Relational Ministry with Teen Girls
Four things that make it different than relational ministry with guys
Most of the people who have trained me in some way in youth ministry have been men, and all of my “official” supervisors have been men (I say “official” because, while I have had female superiors I’ve worked with in youth ministry, I did not technically report to them). I’m grateful for all the ways they helped shape me and how I did ministry.
At the same time, I’ve realized sometimes that these men haven’t really understood some of the finer aspects of relating to and working with teens girls. As a result, they sometimes offered advice and input that worked better with teen guys than it did for teen girls, or had expectations that aligned with what they had experienced in relational ministry with guys.
Here are four things I’ve noticed, which make relational ministry with girls different than relational ministry with guys:
Girls talk for longer.
Somewhere in my first couple years of full-time youth ministry, another woman pointed out to me that girls “are just getting started” at the end of the first hour of a one-on-one. Often they just have a lot of words to get out, and it takes them the first hour just to “warm up.” Then you can get to more meaningful topics in the second hour.
A few years later, in a different youth ministry setting, my supervisor was helping me think through how to best steward my limited hours in the work week. Upon concluding that I might have a couple hours of wiggle room left in my typical work week, he suggested that I could plan two separate one-on-ones with that time. I told him that, no, I couldn’t. Limiting my time with a teen girl to one hour would make our conversation rushed and prevent me from getting to the good stuff. I needed to block potentially those whole two hours just for one.Girls enjoy face-to-face connection.
When I say face-to-face, I’m not contrasting it with virtual or technology-based connection. I’m contrasting it with side-by-side connection. I’ve heard and read many people in ministry advise that it’s often easier to have meaningful conversations when you’re side-by-side (in a car, doing an activity together, etc.) than when you’re face-to-face.
I think these insights are likely coming from men’s perspectives, because this difference between the genders has been noted: guys prefer side-by-side, while girls prefer face-to-face.Girls are okay with less activity.
I think if I compared my relational ministry activities with those of my male coworkers through the years, I was probably sitting and chatting with girls more often, while they were doing things like playing basketball, ping pong, air soft, or other things more often. It’s not that I didn’t do activities - I played volleyball, tie-dyed many shirts, and went to putt-putt places. It’s just that guys tend to organize around tasks more than girls do. Girls are content form groups just for the sake of forming a group and socializing. In high school, my female friends and I would often just sit in driveways at night and talk for a long time.
Girls may share more emotions.
There are a number of reasons for this, which are beyond the scope of this post. Girls may be more likely to want to talk through hard things going on in their lives. I’m not talking about crisis situations, but the more day-to-day struggles we all face. These are likely to weigh more heavily on the girls, and as a result the conversation may produce more tears or hard emotions. I’ve heard other women in youth ministry say that they think the conversations they have with girls are often heavier than the ones their male counterparts seem to be having with the guys.
I’d love to hear if you have more thoughts. Have you noticed other differences between relational ministry with guys and girls?