The Prerequisite to Tackling Challenges
You first need trusting relationships to work through the issues together
Recently, I wrote about how the problems facing women in youth ministry are not necessarily only faced by them. They can often be indicators of a wider problem within a church, which the women in youth ministry are simply feeling most acutely and have the least support to tackle.
Addressing the challenges I’ve been naming, therefore, may be a big undertaking. You may not be tackling just what one woman is experiencing; you may need change in the larger culture on your team and in your workplace.
If it doesn’t already exist, you will need a culture of trust in order to take on these challenges on. If you’re not familiar with Patrick Lencioni’s models for effective teams, I recommend you peruse his books The Advantage or Five Dysfunctions of a Team.I think he is correct to identify trust as a necessary foundation to effective teamwork. Without it, team members won’t be willing to be honest and open with one another in ways that are necessary to work through challenges and solve problems.
Listen to this description from The Advantage of unhealthy team that lacks trust: “The second [team] is led by a leadership team whose members are guarded and less than honest with one another. They hold back during difficult conversations, feign commitment, and hesitate to call one another on unproductive behaviors. Often they pursue their own agendas rather than those of the greater organization.”
Does this sound like a lot church staff meetings you’ve been to? There’s one person who always takes up too much time in the meeting, and no one ever calls them on it. People agree to support larger projects out of obligation, and then the different departments go their separate ways and focus on their own philosophical priorities. They’re not operating out of a shared set of convictions and commitments, because they’ve never hashed those out.
Yikes. When a lack of trust is present in the leadership team, it will also trickle down to others and pervade all parts of the organization. As a result, it will influence the kinds of conversations you’re able to have around challenges such as work-life balance, compensation and benefits, and relational friction or distance.
A woman in youth ministry wants more flexibility in her schedule or is trying to implement firmer boundaries to protect her work-life balance? Without sufficient trust, leaders may worry that this is just a step toward her not pulling her weight in the workplace anymore.
She’s expressing a desire for better relationships with her leadership? Without trust, they may suspect that she’s edging for more power, so that she can drive her own agenda and make their lives more difficult.
She’s suggesting that women may be treated differently than men in your church staff? Maybe she’s out to get the leaders.
She’s appealing to the church’s values in order to get better maternity leave? Maybe she’s trying to take advantage of the church.
And, from the opposite perspective, where a woman doesn’t trust her church’s leaders, she may not be willing to bring up any of these issues to them.
Where there is trust, we can approach these conversations with grace, openness, and curiosity, instead of with suspicion and defensiveness. Where there is trust, we can have conversations around topics that get heated or difficult, like women’s roles, power, money, and boundaries in relationships with the opposite gender. Where there is trust, women can raise questions about ministry alignment and why the larger church operates in the way that it does without fear of being viewed with suspicion or as antagonistic. But unfortunately, fear of being seen with suspicion is the norm for many women.
If you’re a woman and you’ve noticed that trust is lacking in your ministry setting, what can you do about it? How can you get your leaders to trust you more? Is this something you can really fix, as the person with less power and influence in the relationship? A few thoughts:
Trust is something that is built in relationship. Build relationships with your leaders (whether that’s pastors, elders, or someone else), and realize this takes time. Take the long view.
When you have to raise difficult conversations with a leader, be sure to communicate your intentions. Help them see that you’re trying to attack a problem (for the sake of the ministry, the church, the kingdom, etc.), not them.
Speak up in the spaces where you can. When leaders hear you helpfully contribute, they will see that you are working with them, not against them (assuming you are, of course). The more you contribute good thoughts, the more leaders may start asking you questions with less suspicion and more desire to genuinely hear your thoughts.
In some situations, you may need to take a different approach and have someone else advocate for you to leaders. In other words, use someone else’s trust currency. Look for someone you have built trust with who is also trusted by leadership. Perhaps that’s your supervisor or an elder’s wife. When a person who the leadership trusts begins advocating for you, leaders may begin to see you in a more positive light.
At the same time, there are limits to what you can do. There are some situations where the lack of trust is so rampant that it will take people with much more power than you many years to change. Don’t use all your energy trying to accomplish the impossible. Yes, pray. And also, recognize when you need to focus on something else.