When and How to Negotiate
For women in youth ministry wanting more...
I had a wonderful time recently discussing with many women in youth ministry much of the research I’ve been conducting. As I did so, it became obvious to me that one area where women would be helped with details and specificity is within the realm of compensation and benefits — hence my recent posts about salary and maternity leave benefits. Knowing the data in those posts is only part of the equation, though.
What do you do once you have that information? How do you negotiate? And how can you be sure that it’s even okay to ask for more? These are some of the questions that women have asked. Whatever it is you’re wanting more of, here are some pointers for negotiations.
First, know that it’s normal to negotiate. Most employers expect it, especially when they make an initial job offer. If this is news to you, know that a lot of your trepidation about asking for more or negotiating may be because you think it’s not normal. It actually is. Let go of that feeling of trepidation.
Do your research. Are you looking for more in compensation, in maternity leave, in flexibility of your schedule, or something else? Have research to backup why this is good for you and for the church. You can refer to my posts about compensation and maternity benefits, or look elsewhere online to find plenty of research about these things. In general, better pay and benefits will be associated with things like longevity, less turnover, better productivity, and so on. Better work-life balance and less financial stress will also contribute to overall wellbeing, which can also affect spiritual and emotional health.
Come with facts to any negotiation — facts about things like what’s competitive in the market, how much you’re struggling, what you’ve contributed to the ministry in the past year, how this will affect your family, or how what you’re asking for could affect longevity and turnover for your position, etc. There’s no harm in stating the facts.
Be specific about what you want. Don’t just ask for “more compensation,” but put a specific number before them, for example.
As you prepare what to say, be sure to convey both warmth and assertiveness. As a woman especially, if you excel in one but not the other, this can work against you.
One specific way to word things might sound like this: “I’d really like to work here for a long time. And I also need you to know that it will be hard for me to stay here long-term if we can’t _______ (increase my salary to X, have flexibility in my office hours so I can care for my children, etc.).” See the warmth and the honesty in that? If your church wants to keep you and cares well for its people, odds are high that they will respond well to this.
Have in mind some ways you can compromise or negotiate. Maybe they can’t give you all you want right now, but they’d be willing to offer extra benefits in the meantime or devise a plan to work toward what you’d like over the next few years as budget allows. Think through what alternatives you might suggest if they can’t meet your original ask.
If the answer is “no,” you can ask what you can do to increase your pay or benefits. Would taking on an extra project or something else lead to an increase in pay, for example? This gives your church the opportunity to be transparent about their approach, which is their opportunity to build trust with you.
You never know what will happen until you try, so why not try? You also might not succeed at first, but you will likely learn something (about negotiating, about your church, etc.) and therefore be in a better position for your next conversation. Even if things go terribly and your church thinks that you’re an entitled fool to ask for more, you’ve just learned something very important about your workplace, which can help you determine whether or not you want to stay there long-term.
Especially if all of this is new to you, you might run your ideas by others, and practice them with others.
Revisit the conversation about compensation regularly. Talking about compensation annually gives you the best chance of being paid fairly.1
Look into resources on this. Do an internet search on negotiating with your employer or a read book like Alison Fragale’s Likeable Badass.2
To be clear, you don’t necessarily have to do all these things. Because it’s normal to negotiate terms when accepting a job offer, for example, I haven’t felt the need in the past to make a thorough case for why I was asking for more in those settings, yet I’ve still had success.
Thanks to Dan Navarra’s insight on this. In this year’s Youth Pastor Compensation Survey Report, he writes, “If you’re NOT talking about compensation with your supervisor every year, odds are you’ll earn less on average, and you’re less likely to see increases in your salary. Not everyone gets to control if they have an annual review, but asking your supervisor or your board for a review is the first step to fixing that. We said this last year, and it continues to prove accurate every year: the squeaky wheel has a better chance of getting oil. Just be sure to squeak with humility.” https://www.chemistrystaffing.com/resources/2025-ypc-report/
In fact, it’s Alison’s research that made me aware of the importance of conveying both warmth and assertiveness. Her insights are well-researched and come with many practical examples.