Beyond the Billy Graham Rule: A Better Framework for Ministry Boundaries
Building contextualized boundaries that uphold dignity instead of avoiding the opposite sex can help women not get the short end of the stick
Nearly a year ago, I wrote about women getting the short end of the stick from practices such as the Billy Graham rule which prevent men and women from meeting together. In that post, I intentionally avoided discussing the boundaries themselves and focused on their unintended negative consequences. Almost a year later, I’m circling back so we can consider how we might approach all of this differently. I want to focus in this post, therefore, on an alternative framework for approaching boundaries across sexes in Christian spaces.
As a single female in ministry, I’ve very often had to navigate many practices around this. For various reasons, single women are often implicitly or explicitly viewed as the most sexually dangerous people that men can encounter. Many pastors have been taught to view women — especially single women — as temptresses. Perhaps that makes me more or less qualified to speak into this in your eyes.
As I approach this topic, I want to say that I’m indebted to many others who have thought on this issue long before me. In addition to many male and female ministry leaders who have given me wise input, I’ve been helped by:
Kadi Cole’s discussion in Developing Female Leaders, pages 91-113
Rob Dixon’s thoughts in Together in Ministry, pages 125-135
Anna Morgan’s writing in Growing Women in Ministry, pages 135-145
Tish Harrison Warren’s CT article “It’s Not the Billy Graham Rule or Bust”
Tish’s Harrison Warren’s “An Open Letter to Men Who Broke the Billy Graham Rule”
Tina Osterhouse’s CBE article “If Not A Billy Graham Rule, Then What?”
In some of these sources, you will find a more thorough examination of the merits of the Billy Graham rule and alternative ways to approach boundaries between the sexes.1
Now, onto the framework. What would I propose as a better way to think through boundaries, as opposed to the Billy Graham rule and all the assumptions and practices that have tended to coincide with it?
First, let’s keep the goal clear: we are aiming to flee sexual immorality and to be above reproach. These are good and honorable things. But notice that the enemy is not the opposite sex, but sin. This needs to be said because when we avoid the opposite sex and view them as dangerous, as has often been the case, we can create a host of other issues, including not upholding their dignity and failing to live out the “one another” commands across the genders as brothers and sisters in Christ.
Also, we ought to think more about what it means to be above reproach. Someone who holds at arm’s length half the population is not likely to be regarded as one with outstanding character and reputation; people are likely to feel like they are constantly giving the cold shoulder rather than loving and serving all. Additionally, when Paul writes to Timothy and Titus and mentions being “above reproach,” notice also that he says that these leaders who are above reproach must be self-controlled. In other words, someone who is above reproach should be able to exercise self-control in such a way that they can say “no” to temptations. Therefore, we perhaps ought to be asking questions focused on our own responsibility — “Do I have self-control?” — even more than we are asking questions focused on the other person — “Is this person in a category that is potentially dangerous to me?”
This leads nicely into my second point: sin cannot be forced on you externally by another person; it comes from the internal. Therefore, you must know yourself and your propensity to sin. You need the ability to notice when you are experiencing temptation, and know what you would do to quickly get the help and care you need to not give into that temptation. If you do not know how to do this, get some mentoring. If you cannot sit with a person of the opposite gender without experiencing temptation, don’t just avoid the opposite gender — get some counseling. Jesus’s commands about sexual immorality address the internal, heart-level sin, not just the external issues, and any safeguards need to first address this, too. When you address the internal issues, you can adopt external practices that might allow you to treat the opposite sex with more dignity and love instead of holding them at arm’s length.
Third, external boundaries should be contextualized. Just having one blanket rule isn’t likely to be the most helpful practice. The context includes the other person you are meeting with — what they are comfortable with is something worth asking to eliminate any potential discomfort. On the other hand, is someone untrustworthy, struggling in their marriage, or especially attractive to you? Consider implementing more external safeguards with that person, such as making sure your interactions with them can be observed by others. Also, consider the context of your spouse if you have one. What are they comfortable and not comfortable with in your external boundaries?
Fourth, accountability around your practices is wise. Share with others around you how you practice boundaries. In a ministry situation, you might consider sharing with your coworkers and giving them permission to ask you more if at any point they feel uncomfortable with your decisions. You also need friends and others in your life who have access to you and can have the deeper conversations about heart issues. Bring temptation and sin into the light immediately with these people, and give them permission to inquire if they ever have concerns.
When we start with a desire to uphold the dignity of each gender and with these four principles, I think we can allow men and women to meet together, without scandal and sin. Some people may need to spend a lot of time on the second principle — addressing their internal struggles — before they can make many changes to their external practices, of course. But it’s too often been the narrative sexual temptation is just the norm (i.e. that we shouldn’t expect any level of mastery over this in men) and that the best way to fight it is with external solutions. Jesus calls us to a better way.
Of course, it’s also possible that some readers are really uncomfortable with these ideas. If you have questions or concerns or are wanting to learn more on this topic, I’d be interested to hear more.
You will also find more thorough critique of the Billy Graham rule in these resources than I am offering here.